Ephemeras of Knowings, Listened to with Myself

About names and anger and smiles and rage

i.

Anger lies in and on me

Cries in the screams of other worlds

And imaginations of what could have been my freedom

Ignites utopias of my Blackness and yours

Frights my pen

Scribbles a page

Writes beyond me

Writes me beyond me

"I am a marked woman," (Spillers 1).

There are histories on my heart where love should be,

Stamps of tampered legacy where my glory has fleed

Memories of a long, lost love

A name lost, longed……………………………………... Stacie

My name is Stacie

I am sheltered by the Moon, compassed by moonlight.

ii.

I am a person with many big emotions and a smile on my face, usually.

a person with many hidden tears and rage-filled letters,

a lover of many faces and a hater of none,

those which try my patience,

force me to be gentle.

I am a person with many big emotions and a smile on my face usually

a smile on my face usually,

a smile on my face… usually

When I am upset or grieving, smile hardest when I am really,

really angry.

I smile

I smile more

I smile again

My mouth quakes with a half-assed lie on my face,

makes me beg for being guilty,

makes me sad for being filthy,

covered in a vengeance called love

I have grown to equate fear with my inadequacy,

grown to dissolve my word with its tension

The sides of my lips quiver in a downturned dance of disdain,

I've never loved to smile too much,

only found it too many times,

appeared it when I missed it,

furthered it when I've distanced

Smiles love to take me in an instant, hold me back for years.

I hate this smile,

I hate its shape

I hate it's hatred

I hate it's fake.

Puts a fishy smell on my face and a noticed difference in the wake

Makes all my truth go to waste

Makes me so mad,

it's on my face!!!!!!!!!!!!